Listening to: Ed Sheeran-Don't
Still just some poetry and attempts at writing-in a notebook-some stuff, some of which hasn't made it to here.
Art-wise, had a few ideas and doodled on my wacom but it was crap so didn't post anything.
I can't say things got better; in some ways more panic stuff and breakdowns and crap but in other ways ... I dunno.
Probably will start 'regular' meetings with a church lady I've seen and talked with a couple times. I definitely
do feel better after talking with her, she seems to actually get me and listen and ... know stuff. But
in the end, I'm not really after 'feeling better' because that never lasts. Plus I go right back home and have
to deal with my parents.
I guess I do believe in God. She said something like, to you do you KNOW God exists, even if you feel he doesn't?
Yeah. I mean I pray for other people and stuff but when it comes to me ... I don't feel like he exists much at all.
But I still believe he does (I guess?). But I can still ... 'feel' again like ... easily go about auto and like he has no place in my
life at all, like just existing so, I get it. So hope and faith and belief like consciously ... stuff ... it's just not really
there, right now, for me. I suppose you could say I've 'challenged' him and stuff but not like anything happened
so it's all rather nil right now; like waiting on the air to suddenly form something and be/do/something I don't ... meh.
It's really difficult to be 'happy' or positive or any of that, for me. I don't smile really, don't laugh often or anything.
Need to get some life again. Somehow. : p (lol ironically compared to most recent poem, though what applies to
that is the rare milliseconds when I feel stuffs and 'see' things I guess)